Connection, Not Control
When someone we love is struggling with addiction, it’s natural to want to protect them from pain. We jump to advice, solutions, or warnings — often because we care deeply and are scared of what might happen if we don’t.
But recovery isn’t about control; it’s about connection. And one of the most effective ways to build that connection is through validation — the practice of acknowledging another person’s experience without judgment.
Validation says, “Your feelings make sense given what you’ve been through.” It doesn’t say, “I agree with what you’re doing.”
That distinction is where true support — not enabling — begins.
What Validation Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)
Validation is often misunderstood. Some people equate it with approval or agreement, but it’s not either.
To validate someone means to communicate that their inner experience — their feelings, thoughts, and reactions — are understandable within their context.
You can validate why your loved one feels hopeless without agreeing that there’s no way forward.
You can understand why they want to use without approving of the behavior.
This difference matters.
Validation meets emotion with empathy while still upholding truth, structure, and accountability — the same balance that makes recovery sustainable.
Relationship Mindfulness: Being Present, Not Reactive
When we’re reactive, we tend to defend, argue, or correct. But when we’re mindful, we can listen without rushing to fix.
This reduces emotional intensity and helps us connect to someone’s primary emotion (fear, sadness, loneliness) rather than their secondary emotion (anger, defensiveness, avoidance)
A simple shift might look like:
Reactive: “You’re being dramatic — it’s not that bad.”
Mindful: “It sounds like you’re really overwhelmed right now. What’s been hardest about this week?”
The first response shuts the door. The second one opens it.
Why Validation Is So Important in Recovery
For people in recovery, invalidation can be devastating. Many already carry shame, guilt, or the belief that they’re “too much.” When those feelings are met with dismissal or judgment, even unintended, it reinforces old wounds.
Validation does the opposite. It tells them, “You’re human. Your emotions make sense.”
That simple message lowers emotional reactivity, builds trust, and creates space for honest communication .
But here’s the key: validation should never replace accountability.
It’s not about letting someone off the hook — it’s about helping them stay on track by first helping them feel understood.
When someone feels safe emotionally, they’re more open to feedback, responsibility, and change. That’s what makes validation such a powerful therapeutic and relational tool.
The Seven Levels of Validation — and How to Use Them Without Enabling
Marsha Linehan’s DBT model outlines seven progressive levels of validation. Each one deepens empathy — and each can be practiced in ways that support recovery rather than enable it.
Level 1: Pay Attention
Be present. Maintain eye contact. Put down the phone.
This says: “You matter enough to have my full attention.”
Level 2: Reflect Back
Repeat or summarize what your loved one says in a calm, nonjudgmental way.
Example: “You’re saying you feel like nobody trusts you, and that’s frustrating.”
Reflection builds trust but doesn’t require agreement.
Level 3: Interpret Mindfully
Notice what they might be feeling underneath their words.
Example: “It sounds like you’re not just angry — you’re hurt that people doubt you.”
Be curious, not controlling. Avoid using this level to steer or lecture — the goal is to understand, not to fix.
Level 4: Contextual Understanding
Connect their current emotion to past experiences.
Example: “Given everything you’ve been through, I can see why you’d react that way.”
This shows empathy while also clarifying patterns that may need to change.
Level 5: Normalize
Acknowledge that their feelings are human.
Example: “It makes sense that you’d feel hopeless at times — recovery is hard work.”
Then add: “And I also believe in your ability to keep moving forward.”
That’s the balance: empathy paired with encouragement.
Level 6: Radical Genuineness
Treat them as capable. Don’t overprotect or excuse.
Example: “I know this is difficult, but I trust you to make healthy choices.”
This communicates belief in their strength, not pity for their struggle.
Level 7: Vulnerability and Reciprocity
When appropriate, share your own authentic feelings.
Example: “It scares me to see you in pain, and it’s hard not to want to take over. But I’m learning to trust your process.”
Honesty deepens connection and models healthy emotional expression.
Validation Without Enabling: The Healthy Middle Ground
The most common fear families have about validation is that it might “let someone off the hook.” But when done skillfully, validation actually strengthens accountability.
Here’s how to find that middle ground:
1. Validate emotion, not behavior.
“I understand why you felt angry” is different from “It’s okay that you lashed out.”
You can acknowledge pain while still holding boundaries.
2. Combine validation with gentle challenge.
“I can see this feels unfair — and I also know you’re strong enough to handle it differently.”
3. Reinforce effort, not outcomes.
“I’m proud of how hard you’re trying to stay accountable, even when it’s uncomfortable.”
4. Stay focused on effectiveness, not being right.
Winning an argument doesn’t build trust — understanding does. But understanding doesn’t mean surrendering your values.
This balance allows family members to stay compassionate and grounded — a combination that fosters long-term recovery and self-responsibility.
Recognizing Invalidation — Even When It’s Unintentional
Invalidation can sneak into conversations in subtle ways. Phrases like “You’re overreacting,” “Just get over it,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” may sound harmless, but to someone in recovery, they can feel like rejection or judgment.
Even reassurance can sometimes miss the mark. Telling someone “You’ll be fine” can feel dismissive if they’re not ready to believe it yet.
Instead, try language that communicates empathy and presence. Say things like, “I can see how hard this is for you,” or “That sounds painful — I’m here with you.” You might also say, “It makes sense that you’d feel that way.”
This doesn’t mean you’re accepting unhealthy behavior. It simply shows that you understand why the person feels what they feel — and that understanding creates space for growth, responsibility, and choice.
Putting Validation Into Practice
Validation isn’t just a skill; it’s a habit that gets stronger with use. Try this approach:
Pause first. Take a breath before reacting. Notice your own emotions.
Name what’s happening. “I can tell this is frustrating.”
Reflect what you see. “It seems like you’re disappointed because you worked hard.”
Encourage effort. “You’re making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
Hold boundaries with warmth. “I love you, and I can’t support you using. But I’ll always support your recovery.”
That last step is crucial — validation without boundary is enabling. Validation with boundary is love.
When Validation Feels Hard
There will be moments when validating your loved one feels impossible — especially when emotions are high, or when they’re not following through on commitments.
That’s when validation becomes less about comfort and more about courage.
It takes strength to sit with discomfort and still respond with empathy. But that’s what recovery asks of families too: to practice the same emotional regulation and mindfulness they hope to see in their loved ones.
It’s not about saying, “You’re right.”
It’s about saying, “You’re worth understanding — and I still believe you can do better.”
Validate the Feeling, Support the Growth
Validation is not enabling. It’s emotional honesty with compassion. It doesn’t remove responsibility — it invites it.
When families practice validation, they model the very skills recovery depends on: emotional regulation, perspective-taking, and self-respect.
It’s how loved ones learn that they can be both accountable and accepted, challenged and cared for — all at once.
Healing doesn’t happen through lectures or control. It happens through understanding, trust, and connection.
And that connection begins with one simple, powerful act: validation.
